Memoirs of two hearts..

I set out tonight to find her. I have been desperately fighting her thoughts in my head. My heart has been aching to be with her. I can't hold back my feelings anymore. Tonight I went out to look for her.

And there as I have hoped, I saw her in that place by the park where we used to sit. She was there all alone. I want to think that she has been waiting for me like she expects me to be there.

As I drew near, my feet slow down. I walked softly towards her and sat by her side.

I called out her name like something of a whisper.

Emotions came rushing and unspoken thoughts were said. Things that were left hanging two weeks ago were clarified.

I still love her. I won't bulge in in her life again if I don't care. I really missed her a lot. I really care for her a lot. She was my first priority----my everything.

I looked for her to tell her these things. All she said was that it's okay. But I know it's not. We sat there in awkward silence as the night drifts.

I want to hold her hand so badly but I remembered I have no right to hold it again now. I asked her if I can. She reached out her hands to me. She was even caressing my back. She wiped my tears as they fell. Her voice was soothing me.

She stood up later and insisted on going home. But I insisted to be left behind. I want to spend my time sunk in my own misery outside in this cold night.

Again, I watched her walking away just like yesterday.

Why are you letting her slipped away just like that?

I lost all courage.

I felt a twinge in my heart consuming me. And it pains me to know that, that might be last time I will ever get to hold those hands..

Memoirs of two hearts..

The night was cold and i was alone. My thoughts were drifting as I headed into the park. I sat there in the spot where he and I used to pass the time during Saturday afternoons. And again, I reminisced the good old times that was left behind.

It was getting late but still I don't want to go home. The night chill was blending with my mood -- cold and melancholic. As I stare into nothingness, images flash before my eyes. I hear him speaking over and over again, whispering those sweetest lies.

Oh wait, was that his voice I'm hearing? I thought he called my name.

She was killing herself. Her family was threatening me.. I have no choice. I'm sorry...

And before I knew it, he was sitting besides me. With that cap on his head bowing down, I can still see the tears he was trying to hide. I wish I could symphatize with him. But my eyes have been dried up from that two week drama. He left me hanging without an explanation. Now two weeks had passed since then.

Knowing him, I wasn't expecting this. But it's true he was right beside me. It was just yesterday when I last saw him. Now I never thought that he would be here explaining. But I was skeptical about his explanation and everyhting he was saying. It was so stupid! But looking at him now, I don't know what to feel. All I know was that I felt this urge to embrace him and wipe his tears. But my heart got its own mind. I watch my hands caressing his back and hear my voice assuring him that everything's okay for me now. But the bitter truth was everything's not fine. That was so unfair. They were so unfair.

Can I.. can I hold your hand? He said weakly. But I was already reaching out mine.

And there we sat in awkward silence.

There are so many things that I would like to say. But I was stuck saying I'm ok, you don't have to worry about me. I'm tough right?

It was getting late and I really have to go home. But I don't want to leave him behind like that. I was scared about what he will do. He's used to going home around midnight and it was dangerous around the campus during those time. I was afraid he would waste himself drinking and dreaming again. I insisted on us going home together. But he insisted on being left behind.

I stood up against my will and let go his hand. He let go mine.

I turned my back on him and walked away without looking back. I stood with questions I was dying to ask and words I want him to hear. And there, I felt little drops forming in my eye. I wiped it before it fell with my hand still feeling the warmth of what may be the last touch.

Memoirs of two hearts..

I was walking towards the campus together with this girl. We were happily chatting. I looked at her as I told myself I won't ever hurt this girl again. But on her face I see another one. That face that has always put me into a trance. That face that has been hunting me in my dreams. That face that I just can't let go. That face that I can't forget. The one who holds my heart.

I have been dying to see her again. I just can't escape the pain. She's everywhere to me. I want to be with her again so badly. But I can't now. Not with this girl beside me. I have done enough damage to her. And as for my past love, I know her well. She's strong enough to handle what I've done. She's tough and feisty. I don't even think that this would hurt her. Well, I just hope so.

As I switched my eyes from her towards the direction we're walking, I saw a familiar face in my peripheral view walking past my direction.

Oh wait, was this another product of my imagination or was it really her?

I looked back. I was taken aback for moment. My prayer was answered. There she is. With that same poise, elegance and confidence. I want to reach out to her and grab her by the arms just like before. How I wished she was this girl that I'm holding.

It was nice to see her again.

But why is she alone?

Oh stupid me. I forgot I left her.

How I regret having done that. I tried hard to take my eyes off her. I know the longer I stare, the harder for me to get my eyes off. Plus, this girl with me has been noticing my action and asked me why. I just nodded at her.

Did she noticed me? I don't think so. Why would she anyway?

I was the one who let things be this way. I should learn to get used to it. Maybe someday I'll learn to let go of her completely, after all I was the one who left. Maybe someday...

Diaries: Memoirs of two hearts..

Memoirs of two hearts..

It was a peaceful morning on a monday as I stroll along the campus. As I walk alone, I realized how I love my own company. It has never been lonely to be a loner. It doesn't have to be always sad being alone. It doesn't always have to have companies just to be happy. I'm fine by myself--- without him.

But what's not fine is seeing him with another girl while I am all alone.

And there he is, about ten meters away walking towards my direction with his arms around her. From a distance I can see them laughing. He looks happy. But I still believe he'll be much more happy being with me.

Okay, this is awkward.

I want to change my path but he's already right in front of me. Suddenly I felt this uneasy feeling. I felt a twinge in my heart. I want to shrink at that moment. I'm begging for the earth to swallow me up. Still I held my forehead high and my chin up.

Stand still girl, and look pretty. I thought.

My eyes were fixed farway. I can't look at them. I know that once I lay my eyes upon him, I would break down. But my ego was so stubborn. I turned around and caught a glimpse of him with her arms around her. Once I was the one being held with those hands. Now we're just mere strangers with familiar faces.

He didn't even look at me. Or did he? I don't think so. Anyway, why would he?

I continued to walk. Maybe someday I'll get used to this. Maybe someday...

stained mirror

looking through a stained mirror,
i see my life;

the reflection of a falling star,
a contemplation of love and hatred,
an image of a rising failure,
a flower of glamour,
a rose full of thorns..

i live in an abyss
of chaos and serenity
my world isn't perfect
and so is me..

i'm a sinful saint,
i'm an angelic bitch,
a princess,
and a witch.

i'm an epitome of flawed perfection..

my knees are made of steel
and my heart is cold,
my mind is wicked..
my tongue is sharp
and my hands are rough

but beneath the sheaths of tough pretending
lies soft flesh,
vulnerable and soft..

looking through a stained mirror,
i see a glimpse of me..