i can't sleep so I thought to write a poem

I want to think that you're thinking of me too

But I know you're asleep in deep slumber tonight

I hope you're dreaming of me too

And you'll wake up in tears

Suddenly you'll realize that you want me near

And that's when you'll call me at the middle of the night

And beg me to come quickly over you

But these are only hopeful dreaming I know

You're sleeping

You're sleeping...

inconsistent me..

I'm not sure what I really feel right now. I'm so inconsistent and so indecisive. I'm okay now. I can't say I'm not. But there's something that is still wrong with me. I don't know why, but there's something I miss about something or maybe someone.

I don't know. I could care less. Or maybe... ugh. I really can't tell!

But I'm happy... ? Well, I can't say I'm not...

But don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make a fuss with you.

But I know you won't even care to read this.

It's not like you cared.

And even if, I know this wouldn't mean a thing to you right now..

Break-up Note

Things weren't going well with us lately. I knew this would come. Everything in this world is ephemeral-- except of course for change. It's one thing that makes life exciting. But with this change, I'm not excited. But somehow I feel obliged to do this. I don't know if this is what you want. But I'm sure this is what you need.

By the way you're acting lately and by the coldness in your warmth, I decided to do this. But I promise you, it was very hard. I had to cry and cry for consecutive nights just to muster the guts I need. And about those letters you've sent, believe me it was hard to read them all over again without stuffing a pillow on my mouth or biting my blanket just to prevent myself from breaking down. My room is not sound proof and my parents are just on the other side of the wall. It would be such a commotion if they hear me burst out in tears and go hysterical. And I think I had spent my entire night gazing at that ring you gave me and listening to the songs we used to sing. The songs which used to tell us everything. Now they will be nothing but melancholic melody of a past that is better off buried.

Now I'm giving those things back. It will be of no use to me anymore. Your memories in my head are enough. I've spent sleepless nights because of your face and the way you hold me, the way you would kiss me, the way you made me feel so special, and the way you say that you love me so much..

But I don't want to throw away your things so would you keep it for me, please? Give it back to me if you disagree with me breaking up with you. I would wait..

Ooh boy, I'm not ready for this yet.

Could you remember the first time we've met? Haha, your hair was dyed red then.

Could you remember how you tried to make me smile when I'm down by just treating me with a mocha frappe? Could you remember that night you fetched me and walked me home after our school trip?

Could you remember that night when I admitted to you that I've fallen for you? In that bench beneath the tree..

Could you remember last summer when I used to sneak out of our house just to watch the stars with you? Do you remember the empty streets we used to walked in the early hour of the morning when we should be sleeping? It was so peaceful.

Could you remember that day of your birthday when we went out all day..

Could you remember how I used to bite you in the shoulder and play with your arms and hands? Do you remember how you used to pinch my cheeks and tell me how beautiful I am? Could you remember how you satisfy my conceited side with praises? And your lips speaking to me again and again that I'm everything you have. Could you remember the nights when we did nothing but cry in each others arms about the failure we've become and the ups and the downs of our lives.. Could you remember how we spent those idle nights dreaming?

Could you remember how I picked you up.. How you've come back in my life after these set backs. How we've swear in to each other that nothing's gonna stop us now. That she can't break us. And that we'll surpass everything just by being in each other's side holding hands? Remember how I stood up for you and encourged you to keep our relationship intact?

And that night you gave me that ring, I was really so overwhelmed. It was such a sweet gesture from you..

And now..

Now could you remember where we failed?...

Oh my, I'm not ready to say this..
I've become so dependent of you.
I have come to love you more than what I intended to.
And I hurt myself for you more than I should.
I love you so much...

I've had enough,
Farewell my baby,
a sweet goodbye..

Memoirs of two hearts...

...and the worst part of it was I wasn't even worth fighting for!



Ouch. Her words sting like an arrow shot straight to my heart paralyzing my body. Yes, she was right. I lost all strength to stand up for her. I was overcome by cowardice. I don't know where I got my courage to face her right now. All I know was I was really dying to talk to her again. And now..



She's in front of me. Amidst the raindrops on her face, I can still trace the tears. What have I done now? Would it be better if I hadn't bulge in her life again? But I just can't forget her like that. What we've shared was something more intimate and something that just wouldn't fade.

I just want her to know that I still care a lot about her. I still love her. I miss her terribly. I have no intention on bringing up her hopes and failing it again. I just want her to know I'm still here..

She was shrugging me violently. I can't understand clearly what she's saying now. Her voice was being drowned with tears. But I have a clear idea that what she's saying is something out of agony.

The sight of her made me weak. I'm suffering and so was she. And it's all my fault. My knees felt so fragile. It went down abruptly. I was kneeling before her with my head facing the ground under the rain. I was hopeless. I started this, but now I can't stand it anymore.

I feel the rain turning back to drizzle until it subdued completely. The silence of the night was overcome by my sobs. I can hear it loudly amidst the cold night. She was still in front of me, standing quietly.

A long pause of awkward silence.

Then she bent down into my level. After a moment of silent reflection at last her lips moved.

I can't give you up.. I just can't knowing that we still feel the same.

My sobs ceased. Silence dominated again. Now I can hear her clearly.

If you can't fight for me, I'll be the one to fight for you!

With that he held my face and lifted my gaze. She was looking deep into my eyes and I was too looking at hers. I saw the strength. The strength I wished I possessed.

Why struggle apart if we can't fight together?

I saw a blazing hope. I saw an unconquerable courage in her brown teary eyes.

She might got the situation wrong. Maybe she didn't understand its seriousness. But then staring through those eyes I see an impenetrable soul. She clearly understands..

She smiled. And with that, I fell even deeper. Of all the people I knew, I never thought she would be the one to understand. I never thought she would be the one to pick me up. I never thought she would act like this- more matured and understanding.

We stood up holding each others arms. The rain had stopped and the heavy cloudsthat had once populated the sky gave way to the moon. And now the only sound was the sound of our hearts synchronized in every beat.

Holding her so tight in my arms, I would never let this go again. No. Not this time she was the one who initiate the move. Not this time I was given the chance again despite everything.

Holding her under the moonlight, I see all the reasons to fight for her.

Memoirs of two hearts...

How I wished I didn't looked back. Now it was drizzling and it's getting late. But it's like moment like this when we just have to let our hearts speak before the long kept hidden emotions destroy us within.

How I wish I didn't went back but I did. And if I didn't, I will surely regret it. Anyway, he was already right behind me ready to hold me back just in time when I turned around. And as I turned around, I was met by the warmth of his embrace.

That's it, my arms lost strength and will to break free. Sometimes I hate it when he hugs me. Once I'm in his arms, I don't want to let go. But I know someday I have to. And that day have to be now. He had already given me up, I think it's now time to give him up too. I have done my part. Enough. His grip was tight but it only took me a gentle push for him to loosen his hold.

He was trying to look straight into my eyes. I bowed down. Sooner or later I know tears will fall. I don't want him to see me crying. I want to let him think that I'm hard as stone. But he held me in the chin and was lifting my face. I can't resist and I don't know why.

I'm sorry....

He said again. How many times would he have to say that? And how many times do I have to ask him what are apologies for when they can't rewind the past or take back the tears and the pain?

But what power does one's eyes could possess? I want to hate him. But I can't and I do not want. The sincerity in his eyes was evinced through those clear tears. I was seeing right through him and he was doing the same too. It was dissolving every bit of pain I feel. I can't take the tension anymore. I diverted my eyes but everything's becoming blurry. The only thing that was clear to me was him.

She was killing herself because she wants me to feel guilty about choosing you over her. Her family was threatening me. They all said they would kill me if I hurt her again. That's why I suddenly left you. I don't want to hurt you but I know it will so I chose the least painful way. That's why I cut out our connections and never said a word to you why I did so..

The drizzle turned to rain just in time with the droplets from my eyes. He was sobbing and it makes me cry even more to see him like that.

And I was already crying too. Every tears that fall stops me from saying a word. It was getting hard to speak up while trying to hold back my emotions. All the pain and misery I had tried to bury in the last two weeks were now bursting out.

But why didn't you stand up for me? You said you love me so much, but why did you chose her over me?

And there I was gripping him by the shoulders with firm hands.

You're really just a plain coward, huh? If you really love me you should have the strength to stand up for me!

Now I felt my anxiety flowing down my veins into my arms and into my hands. I was shaking him frustratingly.

Why?

Now it was his turn to avoid my eyes. I was still holding him in the shoulders as we stood just about a foot away under the rain. We're drenched with tears and emotions. I have been dying to hear from him again. But now how I wished I didn't hear why he suddenly left me. Ignorance is bliss.

I held his chin to lift his gaze to meet mine. I can see tell in his face which are raindrops or which are tears. I can read from the way his lips were moving that he was still saying sorry. But I don't care about the apologies. That's not what I need to hear.

Why didn't you fight for me?

You know what hurts the most?

I was still stammering. I took a deep breath and tried to gain control over my tears. It took me time to redeem myself to speak. There was a long pause. Between sobs, I finally managed to tell what I want to say.

What hurts the most....

the worst part of it all was....

It's knowing that I wasn't even worth fighting for...